The Fellowship Meets Miss Cleo
by Erin12
Summary: *points to title* my first spoof, I don't think it's that great, but I thought I'd post it to see what people thought (no slash, no profanity, ectect)


Gandalf: Next time, Meriadoc, we ask for directions at the first "Welcome to Canada" sign we see!

Boromir: Yea, and next time I ask for a pit-stop, maybe you'll listen! I've been groundhoggin' it since we saw that billboard in French!

Merry: Well, maybe if Pippin hadn't gotten that police man so mad at us, we wouldn't of had to run so far!

Pippin: All I did was try out his handcuffs!

Merry: So you're telling me it was a good idea to handcuff yourself to the revolving door?

Frodo: Guys, guys! Let's just find Boromir a bathroom so we can get out of here, OK?

Sam: I'll ask this man over here.

Sam walks up to a man standing in the corner of the building talking on his cellphone.

Sam: Er..where's the toilet? My friend over there is about to have an international epidemic, if you catch my drift.

The man hangs up his cell phone and sets it in the chair next to him. After looking over Sam's trousers, cloak, and sword, he answers.

Man: O..over there, in the back.

Boromir dashes off

Man: Where are you from? You've got an interesting accent.

Sam: We're from..uh..from..

Legolas: The Yukon! We're from the Yukon. In fact, we should be getting home. Now. So..bye!

Man: But no one lives in the..

Pippin runs over. Being attracted to expensive, and often fragile things, he picks up the man's cell phone and starts pushing buttons eagerly.

Pippin: Oooh, what's this do?

He pushes a few buttons.

Phone: 'ello, dis Chunky Cheese Pizza. You order now?

The noise startles Pippin, and the phone goes flying. Small pieces of plastic, along with the phone's battery, go flying. 

Pippin: Oh..uh..I can fix that!

Meanwhile, Boromir returns, feeling very refreshed. The man's face turns redder and redder. It looks like steam might come out of his ears at any second.

Man: You..you broke my phone! My precious phone! How could you?! I'm going to kill you!! My precciouussss…my preciousss is gone! 

Sam hits the man over the head with a frying pan and knocks him out.

Merry: Wow, does that bring back memories or what?

Gandalf: We're leaving! Right now!

Frodo: Do you remember where we came in?

Gandalf: Uuh..no.

Boromir: Aren't you supposed to be Gandalf the Wise or something?

Gandalf: Shut up potty boy!

Boromir: Say that again, you old…

Gimli: Where's Aragorn?

Sam: He's over there..no..wait..where'd he go?

Meanwhile, Aragorn is sitting at a table, talking to a woman dressed in a long, purple robe, a gold turban and flashy earrings.

Woman: Let me see your hand.

Aragorn: Err..no?

Woman: NOW!

She yanks Aragorn's hand nearly out of it's socket. Aragorn sends a "rescue me!" stare over to Gandalf.

Woman: Ahh...what's this Ms. Cleo sees? You were a soldier in a former life, for the Civil war I believe…

Aragorn: You must be mistaken. You see, I can't be a…

Ms. Cleo: Don't interrupt Ms. Cleo!

Merry to Pippin: What a surprise. Another phsyco.

Pippin: We're cursed.

After watching Aragorn for a while, Gandalf walks over to him.

Gandalf: Thank you for your..er..help. It was quite entertaining, I assure you. But we must take our leave now. to Aragorn Come on!

Ms. Cleo: Oh, and who might you be?

Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Grey, an Isitari, known to the elves as… 

Legolas: Yea yea, we know! 

Frodo: I thought you were Ms. Cleo, the knower of all.

Ms. Cleo: Quiet!

Meanwhile Pippin is busy checking out Ms. Cleo's crystal ball.

Ms. Cleo: Put that down you little midget!

Gimli: Hey now!

Pippin: Holy… The eye! It's..it's..it talked! It's in there!!

He points to Ms. Cleo's crystal ball

Ms. Cleo: Ms. Cleo has her sources.

Gandalf: And where did you get your "crystal ball", Ms. Cleo?

Ms. Cleo: You, of all people, should know, that's a Palantir, not a crystal ball. 

Ms. Cleo gets a strange glint in her eye

Legolas: Dude, do you have to pee or something? Boromir would love to show you the bathroom. You've got the strangest look on your face, you know that?

Ms. Cleo: muttering ditzy elf…

Gandalf: And where did you get your Palantir, Ms. Cleo?

Ms. Cleo: I have my sources.

Legolas: I could make you into a pincushion right now.

Ms. Cleo: Bows and arrows mean nothing to me, you foolish mortal!

Legolas: Listen, lady. I'm an elf. Elves are immortal.

Pippin: Oooh! Oooh! I know what that means!

Ms. Cleo: SILENCE!!

Merry whispering**: **What a…

Ms. Cleo: I! SAID! SILENCE!!

Everything suddenly becomes quiet.

Ms. Cleo: Now then. I'm not a very good liar, so I might as well just come out and say it. 

Frodo: Let me guess. You want the ring. Instead of Sauron we'd have Ms. Cleo, the all-knowing mistress of the crystal ball.

Ms. Cleo: Whoa, how'd you know?

Frodo: We've had trouble with your kind before.

Pippin: No kidding, that Wonka dude was scary!

Gimli: Don't remind me.

Merry: Hey, elfboy! You think you could hijack Ms. Cleo's magic carpet and get us out of here? You had a really good phsyco elf thing going on back there!

Ms. Cleo: Ms. Cleo does not have a magic carpet. Ms. Cleo does not leave her headquarters.

Merry: Ah, right then. You know something? You really should look into therapy.

Ms. Cleo: No, therapy's really not for me.

Gandalf: I can assure you, it is.

Meanwhile, Pippin has found a phone and is calling into the "psychic hotline" The phone rings. Ms. Cleo runs over.

Ms. Cleo: Hello, my baby! How can Ms. Cleo help you?

Pippin: Well, I was hoping you could tell me.

Ms. Cleo: You're having trouble with your love life, aren't you?

Pippin: Nooo…

Ms. Cleo: You feel lost and alone?

Pippin: Nope, not really.

Ms. Cleo: Then what is it that you need help with?

Pippin: You're supposed to know that.

Meanwhile, Merry walks over and takes the phone

Merry: Ms. Cleo! Ms. Cleo! I must know, should I take hormone replacement therapy or not?

Ms. Cleo: You aren't the same person I talked to earlier…

Merry: Of course I am!

The two hobbits start laughing, and Ms. Cleo looks over to where they're standing

Ms. Cleo: You miserable creatures! Curse you!

Pippin: Haha! Merry, did you hear that? We're cursed! Alright!!

Ms. Cleo: Give me the ring!

Merry: Umm…no?

Frodo: How'd we get on this subject again? I really am getting sick of rings.

The fellowship draws their swords, arrows, and an ax, and Ms. Cleo starts muttering some stuff

Legolas: What's she doing? It's 9 to 1, she's going to loose!

Aragorn: Don't be so sure of yourself, Legolas. I killed almost a whole army of orcs single-handedly while still looking really awesome.

Legolas: Aragorn?

****

0Aragorn: What?

Legolas: Shut up and distract the pshyco so we can get out of here!

Aragorn: Oh, right! 

Suddenly a vast array of fireworks go up into the air. Ms. Cleo's robe is set on fire. She disappears in the confusion.

Sam: Oooops. Wrong button.

Pippin: Hey! The fireworks are our job!

Merry: You have to admit, that was right in the nick of time.

Gandalf: We'll talk about it later! Just run!

Pippin: But we still don't know where the stupid door is!

Gandalf sends a huge fireball sort of thing hurling towards the wall.

Legolas: I'd say you have a flare for interior design, Gandalf my man.

Everyone runs out, as the building burns to the ground, and Ms. Cleo is seen fleeing the scene screaming, "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

Boromir: Maybe next time I'll just stop by the side of the road.

Frodo: Hey, where's the ring?

The building collapses

Pippin: Hey! It's like that needle in a haystack thing! Only…well, it doesn't really matter if you find the needle, but if you lost the ring Elrond is going to kick your…

Frodo: Yes, I believe we've established that the ring is somewhat important.

Sam: This really stinks, you know that?

Merry: No kidding, we just lost the key to our very survival.

Pippin: That's not good.

The light bulb comes on in Frodo's head…

Frodo: Holy poop! I just lost the ONE ring! OH CRUD!!!

Legolas singing**:** 9,999 pieces of burnt charred rubble on the ground, 9,999 pieces of burnt charred rubble, take one out, pass it about…


End file.
